There’s a skill you can use when your spouse becomes angry with you. It is a difficult skill but it is a key skill if you are to become an enlightened “leader” who promotes harmony and decreases conflict. The skill is this: Refrain from giving a knee-jerk, defensive response. For a short, easy-to-remember-rule, it is called “ADD: Acknowledgement, Don’t get Defensive.”

When your partner becomes angry with you, the most natural response for you is to become defensive. Defensiveness is as old as humankind. Someone throws a stone at you; you put your hands up in front of your face to protect yourself. It’s the same thing you do with words: verbal assault, verbal self-protection. It is a survival instinct.

But in your marriage, you are not in a life-threatening situation. You may choose to be more concerned about the well-being of the relationship than about yourself.

So, when your mate verbally assaults you, instead of throwing back a defensive remark, which escalates a conflict, you can make a peace-promoting remark. In concept, it’s easy; you just acknowledge your partner’s concern, like this: “We never go out anymore.” With a non-defensive response like, “Yeah, maybe you’re right,” conversation can continue in a constructive way.

It does not matter who is right. If you take care of your partner’s feelings and needs, the assaults and complaints will stop. Your partner will appreciate you. And you will both feel good. Isn’t that the result you want?

Learning to control your automatic defensive response is a process; it won’t come instantly. The first step is to catch yourself after you have made a defensive response. When you look back on the situation, think of a non-defensive response you might have given. Next, you may be able to notice yourself being defensive as it is happening.

You can’t expect yourself not to feel defensive when your mate hurls a verbal assault or accusation at you. The idea is to feel defensive, but to avoid a verbal defense.

Memorize this sentence: “I’m feeling defensive.” When you feel defensive, and you can’t think of anything to say except defensive comments, say, “I feel defensive.”

This buys you time to think. It is a response that does not escalate the conflict; your spouse cannot argue with it. It is a substitute for all the self-protective remarks you feel the urge to say. It is an honest statement.

Let’s say you forgot to pick up dry cleaning, and this really sets your partner off. Can you be the “big” person and allow your mate a little anger discharge, even directly at you? Can you acknowledge your partner’s right to be angry? Here are some additional non-defensive responses:

“I don’t blame you for being angry.”

“I’m sorry I blew it. I know I really messed up.”

Acknowledge your spouse. Do not express your defensive feelings, if you can help it. Just listen to his or her side of the story and let your partner vent. Think ADD: Acknowledgement. Don’t get defensive. This requires courage and restraint.