There are many women like you who thought they were always straight and then suddenly found themselves in a girl-girl relationship. Yes, you may have never considered yourself a lesbian (or bisexual). Yes, you may have had boyfriends in the past. And yes, your girlfriend may be just like you—a woman. But the reality is that women can fall in love with other women, even if they don’t think of themselves as lesbians (or even if they think they’re straight).

Is this confusing you more? How we see ourselves and the labels we use (like “straight” or “lesbian”) may not always be the same as how we really feel inside. For example, there are women in same-sex relationships who think they’re just “girls” and that it’s only their partners who are “real” lesbians. Because many people think you have to be a tomboy to be a lesbian, some feminine women in same-sex relationships find it hard to see themselves as lesbians.

The point is, you don’t have to identify yourself as a lesbian to fall in love with a female. And you don’t have to be lesbian to love a feminine female (“femme”), because it is possible to have a femme-femme relationship. In fact, there are so many kinds of same-sex relationships. Just as there is no one type of straight or heterosexual relationship, there is no one type of homosexual relationship.

Who we fall in love with and who we are sexually attracted to is not determined by the clothes we wear or the way we act. Some women who think of themselves as lesbians are very, very feminine, while some are very masculine. Some even think of themselves as tomboys. But there are also females who see themselves as more male than female.

Some tomboys feel they are “men trapped in women’s bodies.” Some even undergo sex change to become biological males. The terms used to describe them are “transgender” and “transsexual”.

Your experience of imitating lesbian characters when you were young is shared by some tomboys and lesbians. Some talk of wanting to be a boy or even feeling that they were boys and not girls when they were young. Playing with boys’ toys and wanting to be one of the boys are common experiences of girls who eventually have same-sex attractions and relationships. Some remain tomboys throughout their lives. Some become more feminine. Some shift from boyish to girlish.

The reasons for this are diverse. Some just do what they’re comfortable doing, others follow what’s expected of girls to be accepted. Some just express their real feelings; others end up going with their feelings at the moment.

And what do you feel at the moment? You don’t have to change who you are or how you dress or how you act. You don’t even have to label yourself a lesbian if you don’t want to. You don’t have to tell other people you’re now a lesbian. No one is forcing you to be anything you don’t want to be.

What is most important is that you are happy in your same-sex relationship now (even if you never thought you could be happy loving another woman). If you think this relationship is telling you that you might actually be a lesbian or bisexual, then give yourself time to accept the truth. Accepting a lesbian/bisexual identity is a process. It can happen in any stage in life, at any age. For some, it takes a long time; for others, it takes no time at all.

There are likewise many factors that affect whether or not lesbians eventually accept their lesbian identity. One major factor is what their friends and family would think or say or do.

If you want to share this part of your life with your family and friends, then that is your choice. But just like you, remember that they will also need time to accept this part of you they never knew existed. Accepting your lesbian relationship will also be a process for them.

Remember, too, that people will have different reactions—from sadness to anger to denial. If you’re lucky, you just might find that your families and friends can be very supportive and can love you just the same. Some just need to get used to the idea. Eventually, they learn to accept their lesbian daughter, sister or friend. After all, you’re still the same person that you were before.

However they may react, remember that this is your life (not theirs) and you deserve to be happy with whomever you choose to love.