Jealousy can eat up a relationship to nothing. So here are 5 ways to control it.

1. Talk to your partner about your feelings. Often, especially early in a relationship, you will find that you and your partner just need to get on the same footing about what you expect from each other. This is exactly what Kate found out when she was finally being able to talk with Matt. She realized that she was just wasn’t used to dating someone who is so outgoing and popular. She was used to being the outgoing one in the relationship. Now that Matt knows how she feels, he makes a point of being more attentive to her at parties.
2. Try to understand the source of your jealousy. If your father cheated on your mother, if your ex cheated on you or you are insecure about your looks, own up to whatever your issue is and work at coming to terms with it. You are not doomed to repeat your past if you work hard to understand why and how something came to be. Also, you are much more likely to lose a man because of your insecurity rather than another woman’s beauty. If you are having problems with any of these issues, you may want to know that it is possible for you to get a grip on your feelings. If nothing works, you may want to see a therapist.
3. Give your man a chance to set the situation right. If you are out and you see a woman flirting with your partner, it is normal to feel uneasy and to want to let her know that he is unavailable. Ideally, however, you should trust your mate enough to let him handle the situation. But if you must intervene, it’s usually enough to take him a drink, or walk over, touch his shoulder and ask him how he is enjoying the party (ask this sincerely, not sarcastically). Then smile and walk way towards another group of people.
4. Write down what precipitated your feelings of jealousy. Like Kate, you may find that your feelings follow a specific pattern. If your feelings of jealousy only manifest when he is hanging out with his buddies, you may be able to figure out a way to defuse your feelings. Maybe your mate will agree to call you once on his night out, or he’ll tell you far enough in advances so that you can make plans of your own.
5. Get a life. It can’t be said often enough that a woman with many interests is an interesting woman. If you are busy with your own friends and projects, you won’t have time to obsess with whom and how he is spending his time. Besides, you will feel much better yourself and what you are bringing to a relationship.

A healthy relationship exists only when you stop wanting a better one. It is the condition of savoring what is, rather than longing for what might be. There is a point when you have to say, “Enough! What I have will do, what I make of it, what I make of love, is up to me.”

You’re on a second or third date with a new guy, and it’s going rather well. You like him, and you’ve got a sneaky feeling he might like you, too. Then, wham, he says it: “I love you.” You are reeling. You don’t know whether to shout it from the rooftops, or to punch him cold for spinning you a line. You suspect he says it to all the girls but then again, could he actually mean it?

The problem is that you don’t know much about him either. And that makes it difficult.

Love or Sex

Not all guys will actually say “I love you,” but they will use all sorts of variations on the theme. If you both want the same thing, fine, but you must know the risk you are taking and the consequences of engaging in premarital/illicit sex. If you want something a bit more permanent, however, then you’ve got to wise up to his ways. Unless he comes over like a scumbag, it might be worth giving him a second chance.

Girls are blessed with a strong sense of intuition; use it at a time like this. How? First off, do not rush into bed with him because you’ve been dying to hear those words. Trust your gut reaction. If he’s actually quite nice, don’t give into his charm now; see how things develop. That way, if he turns out to be Mr. All Right, that would be great. If not, then at least you’ve avoided humiliation at the hands of Mr. Horribly Wrong. Very often it’s just a macho thing and, you’ll never know, he may even respect you more for rejecting his advances.

Take it Slow

Don’t let him set the pace by making “love” the yardstick by which to measure everything. Both of you should not use the word cheaply and force yourselves into deep commitment too soon. As the relationship progresses, the two of you will look for more and more from each other. Remember, start by taking it nice and easy.

Some do’s

• Take your time to decide – only fools rush in.
• Listen to your gut reaction (if you think he’s a disgusting creep, he probably is).
• Be honest. Tell him you like him but you’re not ready for all that heavy stuff yet.
• Get to know him better. One day you could be hearing him say it and mean it.

Some don’ts

• Panic, grasp his hand and pledge undying love.
• Have sex and regret it.
• Laugh so hard – he might mean it.

Best reasons to stay together

• You love being with him.
• You want more time with each other.
• You’ve discussed getting married and feel the same way.

Worst reasons to live together

• He/You have nowhere else to live.
• Your relationship is in a rut.
• You can keep tabs on him.
• All you friends are doing it.

What’s your favorite excuse? Is it work, children, aging parents or managing a home? Exercising and participating in fun activities often seem impossible. In an international survey, it was found that marriage meant that exercise came to a halt almost as soon as the “I do‘s” were over.

For women, pregnancy was the beginning of that slow down for fitness, with each pregnancy reducing the amount of exercise women got.  And for career and other busy women, the more stressed they become, the less they exercised. It was also discovered that after a divorce, women exercised more.

For men, there was a gradual decrease in exercise as the years of marriage increased, regardless of how many children were in the family.

With less exercise, couples become fatter and less likely to want to play as they did when dating. With less exercise, couples have less self-esteem and therefore, this could reduce how happy they feel with themselves and their marriage.

Here are some tips to get more exercise even with the rigors of marriage:

• Plan weekend outings that include exercise. Take a hike, ride bikes, play ping pong or basketball. Why not work in the garden together? Plan active holidays? When vacation comes, visit relatives. Bu also indulge in an active holiday such as stopping at a national park, hiking nature trails, learning to windsurf, camping in the desert.
• Find a coed aerobic exercise class with child care if necessary and attend the class three times a week.
• After work, spend 30 minutes walking around your neighborhood, put the baby in the stroller or make the little ones ride their bikes.
• Give one another “time off.” While the husband looks after the kids (or aging parents), the wife takes a health resort weekend vacation. When it’s the wife’s turn, the husband attends a golf tournament (walking the course, of course) or a sports camp.
• Support each other’s weight loss and exercise program through encouragements not negative comments. Make a pact that could help you both exercise regularly and lose unwanted weight: Everyday, praise your spouse with words to encourage active behavior.

Marriage does not have to mean celebrating your 20-year anniversary carrying 20 extra pounds. Use these tips and stay fit for marriage as well as for life.

Experts say that you should work at understanding that during the course of any relationship, some amount of jealousy is normal. But you must also be aware of the warning signs that your feelings of jealousy are going haywire.

Your partner has given you no reason to believe he is unfaithful, yet you find yourself or acting in the following ways:

1. You become suspicious whenever he gets a phone call from another woman, or when you see him speaking with a woman you don’t know. It is natural to be curious about the people in your partner’s life. If your curiosity is motivated by suspicion, however, or a feeling that your relationship is being threatened by his casual friendships with other women, then you may be headed for trouble.
2. You search through his things when he is not around. You read his mail, look through his phone book, listen to his answering machine, search his drawers and check his pockets. In short, you constantly look for any bit of evidence that he has been unfaithful.
3. You believe your partner should sever his relationship with any woman who is not a family member. Yes, there is such a thing as a platonic friendship between men and women. If your partner is open about his friendships with other women and if the boundaries of your relationship are clear and respected by his female friends, then why should you panic every time he hangs out with one of them?
4. His boys’ nights out make you extremely nervous. He spends quality time with you, but when he says the guys are getting together to watch the game or have a drink, you suspect they are really out scoring with the gals.
5. You follow him, check up on him when he’s out, and become suspicious when he is a little late getting home. Unless you are absolutely sure your man is cheating on you and are determined to get proof so you can end the relationship, there is no excuse for this kind of behavior. Remember, if a man really wants to cheat, monitoring his behavior will not stop him.

When your partner becomes angry with you, the most natural response for you is to become defensive. Defensiveness is as old as humankind. Someone throws a stone at you; you put your hands up in front of your face to protect yourself. It’s the same thing you do with words: verbal assault, verbal self-protection. It is a survival instinct.

But in your marriage, you are not in a life-threatening situation. You may choose to be more concerned about the well-being of the relationship than about yourself.

So, when your mate verbally assaults you, instead of throwing back a defensive remark, which escalates a conflict, you can make a peace-promoting remark. In concept, it’s easy; you just acknowledge your partner’s concern, like this: “We never go out anymore.” With a non-defensive response like, “Yeah, maybe you’re right,” conversation can continue in a constructive way.

It does not matter who is right. If you take care of your partner’s feelings and needs, the assaults and complaints will stop. Your partner will appreciate you. And you will both feel good. Isn’t that the result you want?

Learning to control your automatic defensive response is a process; it won’t come instantly. The first step is to catch yourself after you have made a defensive response. When you look back on the situation, think of a non-defensive response you might have given. Next, you may be able to notice yourself being defensive as it is happening.

You can’t expect yourself not to feel defensive when your mate hurls a verbal assault or accusation at you. The idea is to feel defensive, but to avoid a verbal defense.

Memorize this sentence: “I’m feeling defensive.” When you feel defensive, and you can’t think of anything to say except defensive comments, say, “I feel defensive.”

This buys you time to think. It is a response that does not escalate the conflict; your spouse cannot argue with it. It is a substitute for all the self-protective remarks you feel the urge to say. It is an honest statement.

Let’s say you forgot to pick up dry cleaning, and this really sets your partner off. Can you be the “big” person and allow your mate a little anger discharge, even directly at you? Can you acknowledge your partner’s right to be angry? Here are some additional non-defensive responses:

“I don’t blame you for being angry.”

“I’m sorry I blew it. I know I really messed up.”

Acknowledge your spouse. Do not express your defensive feelings, if you can help it. Just listen to his or her side of the story and let your partner vent. Think ADD: Acknowledgement. Don’t get defensive. This requires courage and restraint.

The new generation is different. Young lovers of today are hasty and impulsive in making choices. They seem not to know how to determine the distinction between sexual love and love coupled with responsibility, the former being essentially physical in nature. And when thirteen-, fourteen-or fifteen-year-olds go on regular dates in which they can have no one but themselves, the temptation to fill the gaps in the conversation with exploratory, physical sexuality heightens.

Joining the Bandwagon

When schoolmates see their friends going steady, the tendency is for them to do likewise, in order to be “in.” Having a steady boyfriend to take her to parties, to be a companion in seeing movies–provides a girl with a feeling of security. It makes her look proud and will not be embarrassed to be stranded to be stranded in public. Someone is with her, and that someone gives her the thrill. This kind of social advantage makes the girl think that she has charm. It will make her feel elated. The regular companionship, however, is the beginning of physical intimacy.

One Thing Leads To Another

While girls may profess love for their boyfriends, it is obvious that theirs is only the so-called “puppy love.” The feeling of love for their boyfriend may be intense, but usually, the emotion proves to be not based on mutual knowledge and affection but on the physical facade of the other person and fantasies about what he is really like. The one who is infatuated often has no idea whether the other one will reciprocate, whether they have common interests, whether they can mean anything to each other and give anything to each other.

That is precisely the reason why so many young lovers blaze brightly and then burn out in a few months, sometimes even for weeks only.

The absence of a solid foundation for such a relationship may consequently wreck a love that holds a lot of promise to grow stronger, if only nurtured, and the partners are mature enough.

As early as the initial infatuation, physical intimacy already begins to develop.

The consequence of physical intimacy without any real love is disaster for both. Illegitimate pregnancies as a result of early dating are prevalent even during this time that contraception is within reach. In one case, the young lovers say it was because “one thing led to another,” without they having planned it that way or taken any precautions. They may firmly decide that it is a mistake and will never do it again. Yet as we can see today, they do succumb repeatedly. Young lovers are evidently immature. A mature person with a sense of responsibility will never risk her ambitions in which her future depends. A mature person can manage to control her feeling, can apprise herself and say, “Stop”‘ when she is about to plunge.

Girls who allow themselves to be easily involved in a serious affair which is greatly physical and then get careless and become pregnant are individuals who simply don’t think much of themselves and don’t expect others to think much of them either. A girl with self-respect will weigh a thousand times the situation before she throws herself to someone. She would think deeply on whether what she’s up to will threaten her whole future.

A Life in Shame

Nowadays that most parents are liberal, tolerant and permissive, illegitimate pregnancy may not be such a big deal. Of course, there will be a lot of hysterics and furor in the whole house, but after the secret is out, neighbors and relatives will understand, albeit the unending rumors, suspicion and disapproval of what had happened. The boy and the girl will feel ashamed of what they did because they will lose the respect of their classmates and friends. They will also lose a lot of their self-respect. They’ll blame one another. They’ll become cynical and cynicism can interfere very seriously with their future life together.

Scheduling Pleasure

There is no substitute for a well-planned marriage. The process of “scheduling pleasure” to be able to reap better fruits is a sure sign of decency, maturity and responsibility. For is it not that there is a right way to do the right thing at the right time for the right reason?

But then again there is nothing wrong per se with a hurried love (after all, age doesn’t matter in this arena)–if, and only if, two people, although immature in the beginning because they are neophytes to the “real world,” can learn to be mature and polish their behavior. Acceptance of their responsibility as a young couple is the first step. The second is to let their love grow and think of ways to make it stronger. While it seems too bad to begin a marriage and a baby’s life amidst raised eyebrows of disapproving neighbors and relatives, it is much worse to compound the problem by running away from responsibility.

What they can do is accept the mistake of the past and consider it a lesson learned to make them better persons. After all, the error of the past is the wisdom of the future.

SOME SIGNS THAT MEAN ‘YES’

• Tickling, poking or other playful gestures – Some wives resort to physical playfulness when they want to hint at something else. They may tickle their husband or poke him every now and then. Unfortunately, some husbands respond with, “Will you stop being childish! I’m busy,” or “We’re too old for that!”
• Wearing sexy lingerie – If the woman unexpectedly wears something really tempting, like short shorts, sando tops or silk nighties, then it is obvious that she is feeling sexy.
• Those unusual, meaningful touches – Some women use touching as a sign that they are in the mood for love. They caress their mate’s hair or arms, run their fingers through his nose or squeeze his palm. Of course, there may be other reasons and ways of touching. The husband should look for other signs or he might make a wrong interpretation.
• Meaningful looks that talk – can do it from across a room full of people! Sometimes, it’s the way a woman bats her eyelashes or how she holds the man’s eyes with her eyes for sometime.
• Being unusually attentive – If a woman suddenly notices little things about her man–his five o’clock shadow, imaginary dirt on his collar, a rash on his cheek–then she may be signaling something to him.
• Preparing small surprises – When she calls up her man at the office just to say, “Will you be home soon? I baked your favorite dessert for you,” and there’s no special occasion, then she may be saying “I’m in the mood to be your dessert!”

SOME SIGNS THAT MEAN ‘NO’

• Headaches and pains – This is the most common and most obvious of course. You can not expect a woman who is complaining of headache, back-pain or toothache to be in the mood for love. She may not really be feeling any pain at all, she wants it clear right from the start that she is not interested at the moment!
• Wearing turn-off clothes – When a woman goes to bed wearing double-layer clothes, and with rollers and/or gooey cream on her face or sans dentures, then the message is likewise clear keep off!
• Distancing herself – She flops on the bed and faces away from her husband. Or she covers herself with blanket from head to toe. And then, she may carry a thick pocketbook and wear her reading glasses as she hits the bed.
• Bringing home work – If the woman brought tons of paperwork from the office, then she is clearly not in the mood for love. For all you know, she may just be using the papers as props to keep him away.
• Heavy movements – Women are more prone to this. They go about their job in the kitchen with such heavy movements, that it seems they are mad at the whole world! They bang the pots and pans, slam cabinet doors or kick the ref door close. No man would want to touch a volcano that’s ready to erupt!

Of course, you and your partner have your own special love language. What means ‘yes’ to a couple may mean ‘no’ to another. In the end, it doesn’t matter how you say it, but that your partner understood you–even if no one else does!

Is this confusing you more? How we see ourselves and the labels we use (like “straight” or “lesbian”) may not always be the same as how we really feel inside. For example, there are women in same-sex relationships who think they’re just “girls” and that it’s only their partners who are “real” lesbians. Because many people think you have to be a tomboy to be a lesbian, some feminine women in same-sex relationships find it hard to see themselves as lesbians.

The point is, you don’t have to identify yourself as a lesbian to fall in love with a female. And you don’t have to be lesbian to love a feminine female (“femme”), because it is possible to have a femme-femme relationship. In fact, there are so many kinds of same-sex relationships. Just as there is no one type of straight or heterosexual relationship, there is no one type of homosexual relationship.

Who we fall in love with and who we are sexually attracted to is not determined by the clothes we wear or the way we act. Some women who think of themselves as lesbians are very, very feminine, while some are very masculine. Some even think of themselves as tomboys. But there are also females who see themselves as more male than female.

Some tomboys feel they are “men trapped in women’s bodies.” Some even undergo sex change to become biological males. The terms used to describe them are “transgender” and “transsexual”.

Your experience of imitating lesbian characters when you were young is shared by some tomboys and lesbians. Some talk of wanting to be a boy or even feeling that they were boys and not girls when they were young. Playing with boys’ toys and wanting to be one of the boys are common experiences of girls who eventually have same-sex attractions and relationships. Some remain tomboys throughout their lives. Some become more feminine. Some shift from boyish to girlish.

The reasons for this are diverse. Some just do what they’re comfortable doing, others follow what’s expected of girls to be accepted. Some just express their real feelings; others end up going with their feelings at the moment.

And what do you feel at the moment? You don’t have to change who you are or how you dress or how you act. You don’t even have to label yourself a lesbian if you don’t want to. You don’t have to tell other people you’re now a lesbian. No one is forcing you to be anything you don’t want to be.

What is most important is that you are happy in your same-sex relationship now (even if you never thought you could be happy loving another woman). If you think this relationship is telling you that you might actually be a lesbian or bisexual, then give yourself time to accept the truth. Accepting a lesbian/bisexual identity is a process. It can happen in any stage in life, at any age. For some, it takes a long time; for others, it takes no time at all.

There are likewise many factors that affect whether or not lesbians eventually accept their lesbian identity. One major factor is what their friends and family would think or say or do.

If you want to share this part of your life with your family and friends, then that is your choice. But just like you, remember that they will also need time to accept this part of you they never knew existed. Accepting your lesbian relationship will also be a process for them.

Remember, too, that people will have different reactions—from sadness to anger to denial. If you’re lucky, you just might find that your families and friends can be very supportive and can love you just the same. Some just need to get used to the idea. Eventually, they learn to accept their lesbian daughter, sister or friend. After all, you’re still the same person that you were before.

However they may react, remember that this is your life (not theirs) and you deserve to be happy with whomever you choose to love.

1. In the middle of a luncheon date, you surprisingly utter, “I don’t see you anymore.” It’s presumably like checking the attendance and the number of days absent is more than the number of days present. The quantity and even the quality of presence is lacking, thus little time is spent with each other.

2. You don’t tend to explain why you’re late for over an hour for a meeting, as if not taking into consideration the waiting time and at the very least, word of honor. You expect you will always be given due comprehension on everything you do, besides, being punctual is not a new issue between the two of you. It’s always been a problem that you think it’s not important enough to find solutions for it.

3. Calls are barely made; visits are rarely done. The everyday routine of calling each other hour after hour even during office hours and likewise the visits every weekend diminish as the days go by.

4. Listening even to interesting stories and intelligent insights is by far unimportant and rather divert into other activities. You’d rather read that new text message from a friend than take time to listen attentively to the things which are usually appreciated and anticipated by you then. .

5. Old traditions are nearly forgotten. Your Friday afternoon walk at the park and the snack at the ice cream parlor is there since time immemorial and never been once missed but now three Fridays have passed and no walk was made nor ice cream tasted.

6. Unexpected changes suddenly arise. Picking you up from the party has been pre-settled and decided upon by both of you before the day itself. At the last minute, there’s a call saying the plan is being changed — it’s going home by and with yourself.

7. Excuses are not accepted by heart. Your arrival at the airport from a long flight is not welcomed. The excuse? The rains are very hard; the conclusion is that the flight is to be cancelled because of the bad, bad weather. True, but you feel it isn’t valid a reason and there’s no way you will nod to that kind of reasoning.

8. A heavy feeling follows whenever you set to see each other again. “Oh no, we’re meeting tomorrow… again?” Then a sigh, a long one will be heard and treats it as if it’s a very burdened task to undertake or to accomplish, or an impossibility you feel you may want to give up and trash out the notion altogether.

9. Fights are here, there, and everywhere. Days aren’t complete without heated debates; nights aren’t complete without shouts and raised voices. Differences are discussed, yes, but in public places, mostly, and in the wee hours…even when family and friends are within earshot of these fights.

10. Priorities are not that defined. The softball game and the much-awaited vacation seem to have the same schedule. Then you ask, which is which? Is it the game or the vacation? Choosing one means dropping another. A difficult question, huh? There’s confusion and don’t be surprised if the game rules.

11. You don’t seem to care whether you are misunderstood or not. Doesn’t matter if you’re speaking in a different language. Doesn’t matter when your very thought can’t come across. Doesn’t matter if it becomes the core of a new angle of miscommunication. Your motto appears to be that of something along this line: “Who cares? Nobody cares!”

12. Physical intimacy slowly dies down. You hardly hold hands. The kiss whenever you see each other is gone. Even the cute pinch on the biceps is nowhere in sight. The premise is that any contact made results in unlikely friction. You’re not used to the sweetness and concern your partner extended to you in the past.

First Aid: Study the situation together. Or better yet have some more distance between each other. Or whatever which might be working for you. Then take it from there. Talk it over. All you need is tea, time and teamwork.

The 9 Signs:

• Alertness in answering the phone. Normally, the teenagers in the house race to answer the phone when it rings. A busy wife will order her kids to answer the phone, since she doesn’t want to be disturbed. But if she grabs the phone after just one ring, or if she is always on the phone and she talks in whispers, then she could be talking g to a lover. If she suddenly hangs when her husband or kids arrive, then something’s very suspicious.
• Expensive and unexplained gifts like jewelry, appliances, and flowers… are a telltale sign. Has she been wearing expensive clothes when she is known to be a bargain hunter? Somebody could be giving her those items that her husband never bought for her.
• A wife who doesn’t seem to mind her husband’s night out with the boys anymore, or her husband’s daily overtime at the office, may be busy with her own “extracurricular” affairs. If she doesn’t seem to mind that her husband is always out, then maybe she doesn’t miss him anymore because somebody else is taking his place!
• Frequent “wrong number” calls to the house is something to be suspicious about. When somebody else but the wife answers, and a mysterious caller just hang up, he could be her lover who accidentally calls up at the wrong time.
• The wife who suddenly becomes interested in things she used to dislike is unusual. If she suddenly knows how to use the chopsticks when she never entered Chinese nor Japanese restaurants before, somebody she is seeing may be fond of going to those places. If she finds it amusing to watch boxing when she used to think that the sport was barbaric, then her lover may be lecturing to her about boxing.
• A wife who no longer has time for her kids could be spending her time with a lover. Normally, the husband complains because all the wife attends to are the kids. But if even the kids are being neglected then something unusual must be happening.
• Frequent and unexplained purchases with the credit card could be another clue. This is especially true if nobody in the family receives any of the items purchased. A wife is more likely to buy things for her husband or kids before she buys anything for herself. If the purchased items like perfumes or polo shirts, car accessories, small appliances, etc… are missing, she could have bought those for somebody who’s not part of the family!
• A wife who suddenly fixes herself and appears lively and bubbly when she used to complain a lot and didn’t mind how she looked like at home may be inspired by a lover. If she smells fresh the whole day, when before, her husband had to remind her to comb her hair, then she may be expecting a visitor any moment after the husband or kids have left the house.
• A wife who suddenly sizzles in bed, when before, she used to be so passive, could be having great sex with a lover. If she suddenly knows a lot of sexual turn-ons, when all she knew before was how to kiss, then somebody may be tutoring her! On the contrary, a wife who’s no longer exciting to make love to, may be thinking of some other guy and secretly wishing her husband to be him.

One of these signs does not guarantee a cheating wife. But two or more, especially over a long period of time, are enough warning. Wives are tempted to cheat for many reasons. The most common of all are, if they feel neglected by their husband or if they are bored to death by the routine of their being a mother and a wife. Nine out of ten times, a cheating wife feels desperately sorry for her mistake and tries to mend her ways. The key, therefore, is prevention. Don’t neglect your wife so that she won’t be tempted to cheat!