When your partner becomes angry with you, the most natural response for you is to become defensive. Defensiveness is as old as humankind. Someone throws a stone at you; you put your hands up in front of your face to protect yourself. It’s the same thing you do with words: verbal assault, verbal self-protection. It is a survival instinct.

But in your marriage, you are not in a life-threatening situation. You may choose to be more concerned about the well-being of the relationship than about yourself.

So, when your mate verbally assaults you, instead of throwing back a defensive remark, which escalates a conflict, you can make a peace-promoting remark. In concept, it’s easy; you just acknowledge your partner’s concern, like this: “We never go out anymore.” With a non-defensive response like, “Yeah, maybe you’re right,” conversation can continue in a constructive way.

It does not matter who is right. If you take care of your partner’s feelings and needs, the assaults and complaints will stop. Your partner will appreciate you. And you will both feel good. Isn’t that the result you want?

Learning to control your automatic defensive response is a process; it won’t come instantly. The first step is to catch yourself after you have made a defensive response. When you look back on the situation, think of a non-defensive response you might have given. Next, you may be able to notice yourself being defensive as it is happening.

You can’t expect yourself not to feel defensive when your mate hurls a verbal assault or accusation at you. The idea is to feel defensive, but to avoid a verbal defense.

Memorize this sentence: “I’m feeling defensive.” When you feel defensive, and you can’t think of anything to say except defensive comments, say, “I feel defensive.”

This buys you time to think. It is a response that does not escalate the conflict; your spouse cannot argue with it. It is a substitute for all the self-protective remarks you feel the urge to say. It is an honest statement.

Let’s say you forgot to pick up dry cleaning, and this really sets your partner off. Can you be the “big” person and allow your mate a little anger discharge, even directly at you? Can you acknowledge your partner’s right to be angry? Here are some additional non-defensive responses:

“I don’t blame you for being angry.”

“I’m sorry I blew it. I know I really messed up.”

Acknowledge your spouse. Do not express your defensive feelings, if you can help it. Just listen to his or her side of the story and let your partner vent. Think ADD: Acknowledgement. Don’t get defensive. This requires courage and restraint.

SOME SIGNS THAT MEAN ‘YES’

• Tickling, poking or other playful gestures – Some wives resort to physical playfulness when they want to hint at something else. They may tickle their husband or poke him every now and then. Unfortunately, some husbands respond with, “Will you stop being childish! I’m busy,” or “We’re too old for that!”
• Wearing sexy lingerie – If the woman unexpectedly wears something really tempting, like short shorts, sando tops or silk nighties, then it is obvious that she is feeling sexy.
• Those unusual, meaningful touches – Some women use touching as a sign that they are in the mood for love. They caress their mate’s hair or arms, run their fingers through his nose or squeeze his palm. Of course, there may be other reasons and ways of touching. The husband should look for other signs or he might make a wrong interpretation.
• Meaningful looks that talk – can do it from across a room full of people! Sometimes, it’s the way a woman bats her eyelashes or how she holds the man’s eyes with her eyes for sometime.
• Being unusually attentive – If a woman suddenly notices little things about her man–his five o’clock shadow, imaginary dirt on his collar, a rash on his cheek–then she may be signaling something to him.
• Preparing small surprises – When she calls up her man at the office just to say, “Will you be home soon? I baked your favorite dessert for you,” and there’s no special occasion, then she may be saying “I’m in the mood to be your dessert!”

SOME SIGNS THAT MEAN ‘NO’

• Headaches and pains – This is the most common and most obvious of course. You can not expect a woman who is complaining of headache, back-pain or toothache to be in the mood for love. She may not really be feeling any pain at all, she wants it clear right from the start that she is not interested at the moment!
• Wearing turn-off clothes – When a woman goes to bed wearing double-layer clothes, and with rollers and/or gooey cream on her face or sans dentures, then the message is likewise clear keep off!
• Distancing herself – She flops on the bed and faces away from her husband. Or she covers herself with blanket from head to toe. And then, she may carry a thick pocketbook and wear her reading glasses as she hits the bed.
• Bringing home work – If the woman brought tons of paperwork from the office, then she is clearly not in the mood for love. For all you know, she may just be using the papers as props to keep him away.
• Heavy movements – Women are more prone to this. They go about their job in the kitchen with such heavy movements, that it seems they are mad at the whole world! They bang the pots and pans, slam cabinet doors or kick the ref door close. No man would want to touch a volcano that’s ready to erupt!

Of course, you and your partner have your own special love language. What means ‘yes’ to a couple may mean ‘no’ to another. In the end, it doesn’t matter how you say it, but that your partner understood you–even if no one else does!

Is this confusing you more? How we see ourselves and the labels we use (like “straight” or “lesbian”) may not always be the same as how we really feel inside. For example, there are women in same-sex relationships who think they’re just “girls” and that it’s only their partners who are “real” lesbians. Because many people think you have to be a tomboy to be a lesbian, some feminine women in same-sex relationships find it hard to see themselves as lesbians.

The point is, you don’t have to identify yourself as a lesbian to fall in love with a female. And you don’t have to be lesbian to love a feminine female (“femme”), because it is possible to have a femme-femme relationship. In fact, there are so many kinds of same-sex relationships. Just as there is no one type of straight or heterosexual relationship, there is no one type of homosexual relationship.

Who we fall in love with and who we are sexually attracted to is not determined by the clothes we wear or the way we act. Some women who think of themselves as lesbians are very, very feminine, while some are very masculine. Some even think of themselves as tomboys. But there are also females who see themselves as more male than female.

Some tomboys feel they are “men trapped in women’s bodies.” Some even undergo sex change to become biological males. The terms used to describe them are “transgender” and “transsexual”.

Your experience of imitating lesbian characters when you were young is shared by some tomboys and lesbians. Some talk of wanting to be a boy or even feeling that they were boys and not girls when they were young. Playing with boys’ toys and wanting to be one of the boys are common experiences of girls who eventually have same-sex attractions and relationships. Some remain tomboys throughout their lives. Some become more feminine. Some shift from boyish to girlish.

The reasons for this are diverse. Some just do what they’re comfortable doing, others follow what’s expected of girls to be accepted. Some just express their real feelings; others end up going with their feelings at the moment.

And what do you feel at the moment? You don’t have to change who you are or how you dress or how you act. You don’t even have to label yourself a lesbian if you don’t want to. You don’t have to tell other people you’re now a lesbian. No one is forcing you to be anything you don’t want to be.

What is most important is that you are happy in your same-sex relationship now (even if you never thought you could be happy loving another woman). If you think this relationship is telling you that you might actually be a lesbian or bisexual, then give yourself time to accept the truth. Accepting a lesbian/bisexual identity is a process. It can happen in any stage in life, at any age. For some, it takes a long time; for others, it takes no time at all.

There are likewise many factors that affect whether or not lesbians eventually accept their lesbian identity. One major factor is what their friends and family would think or say or do.

If you want to share this part of your life with your family and friends, then that is your choice. But just like you, remember that they will also need time to accept this part of you they never knew existed. Accepting your lesbian relationship will also be a process for them.

Remember, too, that people will have different reactions—from sadness to anger to denial. If you’re lucky, you just might find that your families and friends can be very supportive and can love you just the same. Some just need to get used to the idea. Eventually, they learn to accept their lesbian daughter, sister or friend. After all, you’re still the same person that you were before.

However they may react, remember that this is your life (not theirs) and you deserve to be happy with whomever you choose to love.

1. In the middle of a luncheon date, you surprisingly utter, “I don’t see you anymore.” It’s presumably like checking the attendance and the number of days absent is more than the number of days present. The quantity and even the quality of presence is lacking, thus little time is spent with each other.

2. You don’t tend to explain why you’re late for over an hour for a meeting, as if not taking into consideration the waiting time and at the very least, word of honor. You expect you will always be given due comprehension on everything you do, besides, being punctual is not a new issue between the two of you. It’s always been a problem that you think it’s not important enough to find solutions for it.

3. Calls are barely made; visits are rarely done. The everyday routine of calling each other hour after hour even during office hours and likewise the visits every weekend diminish as the days go by.

4. Listening even to interesting stories and intelligent insights is by far unimportant and rather divert into other activities. You’d rather read that new text message from a friend than take time to listen attentively to the things which are usually appreciated and anticipated by you then. .

5. Old traditions are nearly forgotten. Your Friday afternoon walk at the park and the snack at the ice cream parlor is there since time immemorial and never been once missed but now three Fridays have passed and no walk was made nor ice cream tasted.

6. Unexpected changes suddenly arise. Picking you up from the party has been pre-settled and decided upon by both of you before the day itself. At the last minute, there’s a call saying the plan is being changed — it’s going home by and with yourself.

7. Excuses are not accepted by heart. Your arrival at the airport from a long flight is not welcomed. The excuse? The rains are very hard; the conclusion is that the flight is to be cancelled because of the bad, bad weather. True, but you feel it isn’t valid a reason and there’s no way you will nod to that kind of reasoning.

8. A heavy feeling follows whenever you set to see each other again. “Oh no, we’re meeting tomorrow… again?” Then a sigh, a long one will be heard and treats it as if it’s a very burdened task to undertake or to accomplish, or an impossibility you feel you may want to give up and trash out the notion altogether.

9. Fights are here, there, and everywhere. Days aren’t complete without heated debates; nights aren’t complete without shouts and raised voices. Differences are discussed, yes, but in public places, mostly, and in the wee hours…even when family and friends are within earshot of these fights.

10. Priorities are not that defined. The softball game and the much-awaited vacation seem to have the same schedule. Then you ask, which is which? Is it the game or the vacation? Choosing one means dropping another. A difficult question, huh? There’s confusion and don’t be surprised if the game rules.

11. You don’t seem to care whether you are misunderstood or not. Doesn’t matter if you’re speaking in a different language. Doesn’t matter when your very thought can’t come across. Doesn’t matter if it becomes the core of a new angle of miscommunication. Your motto appears to be that of something along this line: “Who cares? Nobody cares!”

12. Physical intimacy slowly dies down. You hardly hold hands. The kiss whenever you see each other is gone. Even the cute pinch on the biceps is nowhere in sight. The premise is that any contact made results in unlikely friction. You’re not used to the sweetness and concern your partner extended to you in the past.

First Aid: Study the situation together. Or better yet have some more distance between each other. Or whatever which might be working for you. Then take it from there. Talk it over. All you need is tea, time and teamwork.

The 9 Signs:

• Alertness in answering the phone. Normally, the teenagers in the house race to answer the phone when it rings. A busy wife will order her kids to answer the phone, since she doesn’t want to be disturbed. But if she grabs the phone after just one ring, or if she is always on the phone and she talks in whispers, then she could be talking g to a lover. If she suddenly hangs when her husband or kids arrive, then something’s very suspicious.
• Expensive and unexplained gifts like jewelry, appliances, and flowers… are a telltale sign. Has she been wearing expensive clothes when she is known to be a bargain hunter? Somebody could be giving her those items that her husband never bought for her.
• A wife who doesn’t seem to mind her husband’s night out with the boys anymore, or her husband’s daily overtime at the office, may be busy with her own “extracurricular” affairs. If she doesn’t seem to mind that her husband is always out, then maybe she doesn’t miss him anymore because somebody else is taking his place!
• Frequent “wrong number” calls to the house is something to be suspicious about. When somebody else but the wife answers, and a mysterious caller just hang up, he could be her lover who accidentally calls up at the wrong time.
• The wife who suddenly becomes interested in things she used to dislike is unusual. If she suddenly knows how to use the chopsticks when she never entered Chinese nor Japanese restaurants before, somebody she is seeing may be fond of going to those places. If she finds it amusing to watch boxing when she used to think that the sport was barbaric, then her lover may be lecturing to her about boxing.
• A wife who no longer has time for her kids could be spending her time with a lover. Normally, the husband complains because all the wife attends to are the kids. But if even the kids are being neglected then something unusual must be happening.
• Frequent and unexplained purchases with the credit card could be another clue. This is especially true if nobody in the family receives any of the items purchased. A wife is more likely to buy things for her husband or kids before she buys anything for herself. If the purchased items like perfumes or polo shirts, car accessories, small appliances, etc… are missing, she could have bought those for somebody who’s not part of the family!
• A wife who suddenly fixes herself and appears lively and bubbly when she used to complain a lot and didn’t mind how she looked like at home may be inspired by a lover. If she smells fresh the whole day, when before, her husband had to remind her to comb her hair, then she may be expecting a visitor any moment after the husband or kids have left the house.
• A wife who suddenly sizzles in bed, when before, she used to be so passive, could be having great sex with a lover. If she suddenly knows a lot of sexual turn-ons, when all she knew before was how to kiss, then somebody may be tutoring her! On the contrary, a wife who’s no longer exciting to make love to, may be thinking of some other guy and secretly wishing her husband to be him.

One of these signs does not guarantee a cheating wife. But two or more, especially over a long period of time, are enough warning. Wives are tempted to cheat for many reasons. The most common of all are, if they feel neglected by their husband or if they are bored to death by the routine of their being a mother and a wife. Nine out of ten times, a cheating wife feels desperately sorry for her mistake and tries to mend her ways. The key, therefore, is prevention. Don’t neglect your wife so that she won’t be tempted to cheat!

Bless and William worked together in an interior design firm. They met when they were paired to redecorate the apartment of a couple that would be away from months. Money was no object. It was like being let loose in a candy store for them. They sketched together, waited for deliveries together and actually spent more time together than the couple who would live there ever would.

Bless and William began their affair shortly after completing “their” bedroom (perfect timing). Neither discussed it beforehand. They just knew it was going to happen. They also didn’t discuss their marriages. But one day at the company William received a phone call from his wife. It was on the speaker phone so Bless couldn’t avoid hearing her ask him to bring home disposable baby diapers. It was enough to make Bless run to the ladies’ room and cry.

Bless confronted William with her feelings of guilt and pain. He told her he was having similar emotional problems, but didn’t want to stop seeing her. They held each other in the newly renovated family/entertainment center and engaged in petting. Every time they started sharing doubts about what they were doing, they would build to such emotional peak that passionate kissing would be the answer.

When the apartment was finished and its real owners returned from abroad, pleased with the work, Bless and William were assigned to other jobs. At first, they continued to meet, if only for a drink after work, to talk about their new assignments. Soon it became clear that short of renting a “love nest” they would have to either talk seriously of separation, or stop pretending their love still had a life of its own. William was more practical. He had enough money to keep only one home and asked Bless if she was willing to leave her husband for him. After many days’ thought, she told him “no.”

William wanted to continue meeting for lunch and drinks, but it seemed futile to her.

“I guess I was naive to think that we could go on working together as if nothing had happened, but I really believed it would be fine. At first it was. We both worked hard on totally different projects so for a while we had little contact. When we would run into each other and he’d wink or touch me, when no one was looking, it was okay. Then, the first time we had to work on a project together, it was murder.”

For anyone who has been in this same position it isn’t surprising. The only surprising part is that anyone would not think ahead to the eventual end.

If you love your spouse but you’re titillated at the sight of an officemate who really excites you sexually, then, what do you do? Calm your nerves. Those lustful feelings you’re having–according to the experts–are normal. It’s what you do with them that matters. An office romance begins the moment these feelings are acknowledged and acted upon by both parties.

In the presence of an office romance, we offer the following reminders for a safe escape:

• Keep in mind that having an affair with someone you work with is a very dangerous proposition. This is someone you will have to see day after day during the affair and after it’s over. This is something onerous and heavy for your heart and mind.
• Stop pretending your affair has a life of its own. Your conscience tells you it’s a borrowed affair–an illicit one, to be blunt about it. Being married, and wanting to remain married, makes it more difficult.
• If you’re really involved in an office romance, not only should you refrain from discussing it with anyone in the office–you should deny it if asked. The person who admits romance is inviting conversation about her private life. Conversation and concern about one’s private life during business hours infringes on both time and energy owed the company and is a way of devaluing an employee’s contribution.
• Surely the employee who permits herself to become a topic of conversation and thereby causes numbers of people to focus on something other than the corporation’s work is cheating the company.
• If you are going to continue the romance, one of you should ask to move to another part of the corporation or one of you should leave the company’s employ. However, prepare for the consequences of an illicit affair–one is its inevitable sad finish.
• Offer a sacrifice. If he’s married and you’re a blessed, single soul, think of his family–his wife and children. You wouldn’t want to be a home wrecker, would you?

Turning around for a wise decision to call it quits appropriately discloses the human side of your being. A love sacrifice, after all, makes you a better, wiser person.

And in case you’re ending the romance, aren’t you glad you never discussed the delicate matter with anyone?

Firstly, you need to be aware that such relationships are frowned upon by the society at large. If you are a guy dating a much younger girl, society might view it as exploitation. If you an older woman dating a younger guy, you may get labelled as cheap. Even though your relationship may mean the world to you, the society can make it a little difficult in terms of accepting it.

It is naturally true that men have shorter life span than women. Hence if you are a guy dating a lady much younger than you, there is a risk of leaving behind your loved one especially when you will be entering into a relationship that is being frowned upon in the first place. This could be a very important issue that you will have to come to terms with if you are involved in such a relationship.

Health is another factor that must be given due thought! If you are much older than your date, then you will be suffering age related illness which you partner will have to deal with. Are they ready to take on such responsibility at such a young age? You need to consider this fact very seriously. Physical attraction is another consideration when it comes to matters of health.  Your energy levels may decline overtime due to your age and your partner may feel less attracted to you overtime.

Maturity level of the younger person is also a point to consider when you decide to date a person younger than you. It may seem like an attraction in the first instance that you can provide safety and take care of the younger person. However, it may start to take a toll on you overtime.

If you have children who are either living with you or not, this could be another factor you need to consider when dating a person younger than your age. When kids are involved, matters could get complicated. Your relationship with your kids could be strained due to this very reason as they will be part of any humiliation that may come due to your affair with a younger person.

Dating someone younger than you could be a much needed boost to your ego as well as well-being. However, you need to ensure that both of you are very sure about how you want your relationship to move forward and be sure how you are going to weather any storms that may come your way. You also need to be able to take the criticisms that come your way!